Category Archives: Relationships

54. Friends with benefits usually doesn’t benefit you.

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54.	Friends with benefits usually doesn’t benefit you.

Perhaps you’ve seen this great fantasy film, no, it’s not “Harry Potter.” The movie is called “Friends with Benefits.” In it, Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake both claim all they want from each other is sex – that way they will keep everything simple and uncomplicated between them. Then they cross an emotional line (yes, emotions were involved, go figure) and break up. At the end of the movie they get back together and are as happy as can be. No more friends with benefits but now it’s a true, bells are ringing relationship. This is why I refer to this film as a fantasy. Real life never plays out like Hollywood. If you are in a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship, chances are there aren’t many benefits. I’ve been in a few myself – usually after said “friend” and I have broken up. That’s the worst possible friends with benefits scenario by the way, because it will be very difficult for you to be able to move on. And it feels even worse when he’s the one to move on first. But being in this type of relationship, it really doesn’t matter if you’re in it because of a recent break up or you just hooked up with someone and you can’t unhook yourself. Here are five things to keep in mind if you are in a friends with benefit relationship or thinking of starting one:

  1. This man more than likely never will want more from you – even though you may find yourself wanting more from him.
  2. The more time you spend with him, the less time you may have to find someone who wants to be in a real relationship with you.
  3. Even though you tell yourself and your friends that you are open to meeting other people – most likely you’re not.
  4. If you’re following the FWB rulebook – and there are plenty of website and magazine “How To” articles on the subject – don’t expect a gift for your birthday or allow yourself to send him conversational texts during the day. And of course, when you do reach out to him at night, don’t expect an immediate response. (Huffington Post)
  5. According to Psychology Today, “when you’re looking for an FWB arrangement from the start, you’re forcing a new relationship into a box that may not fit, with a label that may misrepresent it.”

Word to the wise: You may as well be dating a married dude. They’re never available either. At least, not in the way you may want them to be.

What do you think about FWB relationships? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 101 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

53. Love means having to say you’re sorry.

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When I was in my 20s, I had already seen a movie called “Love Story.” If you haven’t seen it, I sorry word written by red lipstickdon’t want to give out the tortured plot and conclusion, but I do want to refer to one of the most famous movie quotes of all time: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Beyond lame. And actually, I think it’s just the opposite. One thing to keep in mind however, I am a chronic apologizer. You don’t know how many times I’ve bumped a chair with my leg and said, “Sorry.” And then, “Oh, you’re just a chair!” But in real life, I’m probably guilty as well. I apologize profusely when I’m late, when something bad happened to someone that was completely out of my control, when I forget a hair appointment (which I never do – although I did once – just recently and my hairdresser was concerned that something had happened to me), and of course, when I bump into a chair. I looked up the word “sorry” in the dictionary and it says that it’s “used to introduce disappointing or bad news in a polite way.” I thought that was a really great definition. Of course, if someone said, “I’m sorry I slept with your best friend,” that probably wouldn’t cut it. However, I know it means a lot to me when other people apologize for what can appear to be seemingly small things. It does somehow cushion a blow. Even if it’s just rearranging or canceling a set plan or forgetting my birthday (which these days, is just fine with me) or even for being sick (this person was amazingly concerned and considerate), sorry shouldn’t have to be the hardest word. So, contrary to “Love Story,” I think we need be polite to those we love – especially our hairdressers!

Word to the wise: Say “sorry” more often. It can mean a lot even if it seems like whatever you’re apologizing for is no big deal.

When was the last time you apologized and why? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

51. Meditate to calm your mind and heal your spirit.

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The wounds in our 20s can be many. It’s a time we’re at our most vulnerable and we exposeMeditation ourselves to new friendships, dating and career experiences, while trying to sever ties with our parents. When I think back on my twenties, I wonder how I got out of them alive. One thing I wish I had known more about back then was meditation. All I remember is working three jobs, going to college and getting my heart broken time and time again. I probably would have laughed if someone had said, “Sit in silence for 20 minutes a day and repeat a positive mantra, such as “Love is the only miracle there is.” I think just the thought of sitting alone and being quiet probably is the part that would have scared me to death. Here are some other common fears about meditation:

It takes too much time. 

The most common concern potential meditators express is that they’re afraid they won’t have time to meditate. They think they’re too busy, and that finding even 20 minutes twice a day isn’t possible. This belief in a lack of time really stems from a misunderstanding of the value of meditation. In fact, we can always find 20 minutes for something we believe is important or valuable.

It’s too hard to concentrate. 

Another misconception is that people feel that their minds are just too scattered or too stressed to meditate. In actuality, every engaged and responsible person in the modern world has a somewhat over stimulated and stressed mind. But this nature of the mind to move from one thought to another is in fact the very basis of meditation.

It will make me lose my edge. 

The third most common misconception is that meditation is for people without real problems and responsibilities. They are afraid that meditation will make less effective in dealing with difficult and challenging life situations. There’s the fear that in being relaxed and at peace, they will lose their edge and effectiveness. In fact, meditation prepares us for dynamic activity.

Learn more at: http://www.chopra.com/ccl/3-common-fears-of-new-meditators?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=n%2Fa&utm_content=Newsletter%20150317&utm_campaign=March#sthash.cTLNALSo.dpuf

So as part of my Morning Miracle (See last week’s post: https://wisebefore25.com/2015/03/11/50-become-a-morning-person/), I’m adding meditation to my yoga practice. Because it has many mind and body benefits, which have been scientifically proven. Through meditation you can:

  • Reduce your stress.
  • Lower your blood pressure.
  • Decrease any tension-related pain, such as, tension headaches, ulcers, insomnia, muscle and joint problems.
  • Increase serotonin production to improve your mood and behavior.
  • Improve your immune system.
  • Feel like your da bomb! (A friend of mine said I was never aloud to say “da bomb” again but writing it is different than saying it, right?)

Of course, it does also help to have a mantra. Here are a few popular ones:

  • Ham-Sah” – The Hindu variant, meaning I am THAT.
  • “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Gandhi
  • “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better.” – Laura Silva

If you’d like to see some more mantras, check out http://www.finerminds.com/spirituality/mantras-for-meditation/

So, I know we’re all stressed and never more so than now, but if we can find 20 minutes a day to meditate, I think we’ll all be in a better place and those around us will benefit, too.

Word to the wise: Om. Om. Om. Om. Om. Om. One of the easiest mantras ever and if you say it to yourself for 20 minutes, you’ll feel like you can take on the next 20 hours.

Do you meditate? What are some of your favorite mantras? How do you concentrate? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

50. Become a morning person.

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I am not one. Never have been one. There is probably nothing more that I hate than getting up inrelaxation the morning. Or for that matter, all day. To give you an idea of how I feel about getting out of my warm bed every day, here’s one of my favorite poems, by the brilliant Dorothy Parker called “Inscription for the Ceiling of a Bedroom:”

Daily dawns another day;

I must up, to make my way.

Though I dress and drink and eat,

Move my fingers and my feet,

Learn a little, here and there,

Weep and laugh and sweat and swear,

Hear a song, or watch a stage,

Leave some words upon a page,

Claim a foe, or hail a friend-

Bed awaits me at the end.

 

Though I go in pride and strength,

I’ll come back to bed at length.

Though I walk in blinded woe,

Back to bed I’m bound to go.

High my heart, or bowed my head,

All my days but lead to bed.

Up, and out, and on;

and then
 Ever back to bed again,

Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall-

I’m a fool to rise at all!

But my strategy of sleeping as late as could just didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere anymore. I was envious of morning people and knew the world secretly envied them, too. I always heard, “Oh morning people get so much more done.” “They’re so productive.” And of course, at the office, who doesn’t love the guy who calls a 7 a.m. meeting? Well, I still probably wouldn’t love that guy.

So here’s what I’m doing and I started today. I found a book called “The Miracle Morning” – http://miraclemorning.com. Here’s an excerpt that really resonated for me:

How you wake up each day and your morning routine (or lack thereof) dramatically affects your levels of success in every single area of your life. Focused, productive, successful mornings generate focused, productive, successful days—which inevitably create a successful life—in the same way that unfocused, unproductive, and mediocre mornings generate unfocused, unproductive, and mediocre days, and ultimately a mediocre quality of life. By simply changing the way you wake up in the morning, you can transform any area of your life, faster than you ever thought possible.

So, I set my iPhone alarm for six a.m. and prayed some good would come of it. I also used a few tips from the book to keep myself going (and some timeframes I’ve assigned for each):

  1. Turn on the lights (30 seconds to a minute, depending on how groggy I am)
  2. Brush teeth and splash cold water on face (Two to five minutes)
  3. Get dressed (Two to five minutes)
  4. Do some yoga or other form of exercise (15 minutes)
  5. Read some inspirational books or quotes (5-10 minutes)
  6. Write something in a journal (5 minutes)
  7. Drink water (ongoing)
  8. Don’t eat right away – it will slow you down (I get up at 6 so I’ll wait until 8)
  9. Work on my blog and/or my YA novel (60 minutes)
  10. Don’t go back to bed (still struggling with this one!) (All day)

And most important, do this for 30 days. Because, it takes 30 days for anything to become habit.

I see that it’s actually getting light out. I’ve enjoyed these moments of quiet repose and the chance to sit down and write without distractions. The day will begin soon enough at 8 a.m. but in the meantime, I’ve got 20 more glorious minutes to work on this post. Am I a morning person yet? I just might be. Who’s in with me?

Word to the wise: The right morning can make your day. Why not give yourself every opportunity to be successful? I encourage you try it.

Are you a morning person? Do you have any secrets and tips to help those of us who aren’t? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

49. Calling is for men, texting is for teenagers.

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What a stinger from Patti Stanger, a.k.a., “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” If you’ve ever 5d6a3bc5fcddfdebff9891850f78d127_width_640xwatched her show, you could say she’s kind of “old school” when it comes to dating. And mostly, so am I. Because I think in some ways, with women’s liberation, my generation and those that followed me got the short end of the stick. Men think we don’t need them anymore or that they don’t need to pursue us, because many of us will do their job for them. This is especially true in the case of young women. When social media is the norm and everyone is available every minute of every day via text, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapfish, etc., our communications with men become less special and I think we do, too. There was a time when we only had phones, you know the ones that had dials on them? Back then, it was generally easier to discern a man’s level of interest after a date. If you didn’t hear from him for a few days, or let’s say a week, you were fairly sure you wouldn’t hear from him again and said to yourself, “Next!” Today, the lines are so blurred. Even if someone isn’t that interested after a date, you might not know it. Texting breeds a kind of familiarity that if you don’t know someone, shouldn’t be there until you do. And it goes further than that. I’ve seen the most inappropriate texts between husbands and wives arguing over the most major issues in their marriage! It’s a great escape, isn’t it? You don’t have to cancel a date with someone by calling them, you don’t have to get to know someone by spending time with them and you certainly don’t have to be that interested to keep stringing someone along. And most important, you don’t have to talk to anyone!

Here are some more wise thoughts from a fellow blogger on dating in the digital age:

“While it seems more comfortable and convenient to communicate with friends via electronic messaging, it is actually a less effective way to establish a meaningful relationship. Conversations are shortchanged when you rely on texting, because you miss the emotional complexity that takes place in a face to face interaction.” You can read more of her thoughts at http://onceuponastruggle.com/2015/01/26/the-relationship-failure-of-the-digital-age/

Word to the wise: Real men may not eat quiche, but if they like you, they will call. Never forget that your voice is something truly special. And the guy you’re dating should want to hear it.

What do you think about dating in the digital age? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

46. Resolutions can be daunting. Affirmations are self-empowering.

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It’s New Year’s Eve and no doubt, many of us are thinking about our resolutions for 2015. It’s no New Year's Evesurprise that losing weight tops all of the lists and surveys. As I got to thinking of resolutions of my own (although I stopped calling them “resolutions” years ago) I felt like I had to dig deeper. This year needed to be different. In years past, I’d write a list of goals and generally accomplish them. Last year, I flew by the seat of my pants and just had a few thoughts. One of which, was getting back into and committing to my yoga practice. Without writing it down, I was able to do that and I’m so glad I did. During the last class of this year, one of my favorite instructors imparted her wisdom regarding intentions for the New Year. She said we could make affirmations about what we want in our lives and that even if we made only one – that would be enough. I wondered if there was only one thing that I wanted in my life in 2015 and I had to affirm it, what would it be? I had an immediate idea but wanted to make sure I chose just the right words (yes, I am a writer and probably a bit of a nut). So I went online and found some nifty affirmations. I really enjoyed quite a few of these: https://www.pinterest.com/christieinge/positive-affirmations-for-women/ I actually found one that said what I wanted to affirm in a way that I wanted to say it:

I deserve relationships that thrive.

Here are a few others I thought were worthwhile:

I am willing to have my own back.

I am patient with myself and worthy of all the waiting.

I choose to let go of the OLD so that I can finally start making progress with the NEW path I want to take in my life.

In my 20s, I always celebrated the New Year in a big way and wrote down resolutions that I actually sometimes kept. I think if you’re a young woman today, it helps to think positively and visualize what you see for yourself in the New Year and years ahead. Of course, a great party to celebrate your affirmations doesn’t hurt either! Wishing you all a happy, healthy and successful New Year. Cheers!

Word to the wise: One positive affirmation is worth 10 resolutions. As we say in the ad biz, keep it simple. And if it starts to work for you, why not try a few more?

What is your affirmation for 2015? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

45. When you gain something, you lose something. When you lose something, you gain something.

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Thanks to ScarJo for this profound bit of wisdom. No wonder she’s one of Barbara Walter’s “10 Most HiResFascinating People of 2014.” Although, I think she was quoting someone else. Needless to say, when I heard it, it hit me hard. I started to think about all the times of loss and gain in my life, including some of the hardest losses in my 20s (like the death of my best friend). But for all I lost, and gained, the balance of life usually seemed to equal everything out. Take this year for example. I lost my job at the end of July. Clearly, losses on that front included steady income, stability, health insurance, paid vacation and retirement benefits. Wow. That’s quite a few hits. But what have I gained? Well, let’s see. There’d be more freedom, time to re-evaluate what I want to be when I grow up (even though I already am), meeting new people and getting out in the world, fear of the unknown (which might not be the worst thing for a planner like me) and knowing who I can, and can’t count on. Another thing that comes to mind is all the times I’ve been in crappy relationships and finally decided to call it quits. Although I cried a lot and missed people who weren’t really all that great, I gained my self-respect, dignity and the knowledge that I deserved better. Loss does seem to be an easier thing to reflect on. Weighing the pros and cons of gain is harder. Who doesn’t feel good when they gain something? So I thought back and remembered how happy I was when I bought my first condo on my own. Woo hoo! That was clearly a big gain, by any standards. But with becoming a homeowner, I was now tied to a mortgage, making and paying for all my own repairs and coughing up property taxes twice a year. However, I am a homeowner and I love it. As this year comes to a close, let me give it up to ScarJo for helping me to think profoundly and deeply about where I am today and how I got here. I hope her borrowed words of wisdom help you as well.

Word to the wise: Now is a great time to reflect on what you’ve lost and gained in 2014 and throughout your life. Yes, it’s the holidays and boy, talk about a time filled with both ends of the spectrum. All the better to analyze and be wise.

What have you lost or gained and which do you think is easier and why? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

Guest blog: Get out of your comfort zone

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Our guest blogger this week is one of my favorite authors, Michele Wolfe. She has recently written a book in the new adult genre called The Three Graces: “College juniors Jessie, Isabel and Sara are linked in an unlikely friendship by visits to hidden places only they can see. Together, on a trip to Hearst Castle in California, an earth-shaking encounter with a stunning stature in the gardens binds them to the spirits of the Three Graces; Brilliance, Joy and Bloom.” There’s lots of life lessons for these young women as they learn about the true meaning of friendship and make some fascinating discoveries along the way. Here are Michele’s thoughts on getting out of your comfort zone:

I live in a 1922 bungalow-style house on one of the many hills of my Echo Park neighborhood in LA. The other day I wasthumbnail washing my car with a bucket of soap and water in front of my house. A petite woman in her 80s, with the help of a cane, began hobbling up my hill. She stopped once, probably to catch her breath, and had almost passed me by when I made some comment about the steep climb. She stopped and looked at me, and I stopped my washing and took a good look at her, too. Her clothes were frayed and worn, her eyes filmy, her face wrinkled, and her teeth almost all missing.

We chatted for a few minutes. She used to live in the neighborhood she said, but had to move downtown. I knew it certainly wasn’t to a fancy loft or apartment. Probably skid row housing, if that. She asked for a dollar for the bus ride back. I ran into the house, but my wallet was empty of cash, not even a dollar. I raided my teenage son’s coin jar and managed to scrape together five dollars. When I handed over the coins, she pressed her hand to mine in gratitude. Then she hugged me. She was overcome.

That moment took me back to a time in my life when the touch of a hand or hug from a grateful homeless person was a daily gift. I lived and worked almost two years in shelters in Denver and LA. Both experiences opened my eyes and changed my life.

For the better. Was I overwhelmed, out of my depths, scared witless at times during those two years? You bet.

Being blonde and blue-eyed and having grown up in a middle-class suburb had kept me safe and secure in a nice little bubble. So living in a shelter, cutting vegetables for big vats of soup, handing out bandages and alcohol wipes to the poor of skid row, showed me real suffering and injustice; a reality I hadn’t truly understood before.

I learned compassion. A way of being we often harden our hearts against as we make it through our busy, tumultuous lives. Especially when we are trying to finish college or start a career. We get caught up.

I also learned to value time in the present moment. Whether it’s ten minutes, an hour or an afternoon, opportunity awaits. Reaching outside ourselves, outside our comfort zone, to connect with someone in need, is human dignity and respect made visible.

And you don’t have to have loads of money, like Oprah or Angelina Jolie to do it. Just coins from a jar. Just a moment of your time. Just a step outside. Look around. It won’t take long to find a person or a place in need. In need of you.

To read more from Michele, or to purchase her new book, visit:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Three-Graces-Michele-Wolfe-ebook/dp/B00KTOTRJM

authormichelewolfe.com

44. Make sure you know what your red flags are and when someone you meet is waving them.

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So, I was on a date last night and there was some interesting conversation. Somehow, the topic of “red flags” came up. I don’t redflagthink that when I was in my 20s that I was looking out for those as much as I should have. Or if I noticed any, I completely ignored them because by the time I did notice them, it was too late. I was already in ADD – another dating disaster. I got to thinking about what my red flags are today as now I’m now more aware of them because my friends will constantly point out, “Red flag!” when I mention the behaviors of some of the people I’ve dated/been dating. My date and I did a little brainstorming last night and here are the red flags he hopes he doesn’t find with someone he just starts to date (there are just five – but I thought they were all pretty good so I’ll share them):

  1. Smoking
  2. Past addictions
  3. Issues with exes
  4. Unemployed
  5. Mentally unbalanced

This got me to thinking about my list. What are the red flags that make me want to run (besides 1-5 above)? So here are a few more that I’d like to throw in:

  1. Does not live in their own place
  2. Late
  3. Cheap
  4. Current addictions
  5. Poor/nonexistent relationships with family and friends

I’m sure there’s a few more on your list (and mine). But this is a good start for some basics. It can be difficult to ignore the red flags when you meet someone you’re really into. But as I’ve learned, if they’re there to begin with, they’ll be there when you end it. And it’s a lot more painful at that point than just going out on a few dates.

Here’s a more detailed list of red flags from Psychology Today, aptly titled: “Thirteen Dating Red Flags for Women:”http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/millennial-media/201312/13-dating-red-flags-women

Word to the wise: Dating is hard. But being in a bad relationship – even harder. Take some time to think about what your red flags are and know how to recognize them when you see them.

What are some of your red flags and how has knowing them helped you to become more successful in your dating life? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

43. If you can count your true friends on one hand, then you can also count your many blessings.

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They say it’s hard to know who your real friends are. And they’re not kidding. Whether you’re single or married, the love and1973463_HiRes.jpg_friends friendship of close female friends is not a luxury – but a necessity for survival. Like air or water. It’s good to know early on the difference between an acquaintance and a true friend. It’s taken me a long time to learn and appreciate what those differences are. For example, a true friend:

  • Applauds your successes
  • Tells you the truth (even when you don’t want to hear it)
  • Encourages you to be your best
  • Holds your hand and hugs you when you cry like a baby at practically every song at a Diana Krall concert, especially this one, “Just Like a Butterfly That’s Caught in the Rain:” http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xn42tQkKzw
  • Eats carbohydrates with you, although they appear to have been banned by the entire female race
  • Makes you feel like you hold a special place in their heart
  • Shows up – even when they may not feel like it
  • Tolerates your quirks and your cooking
  • Supports you in ways no one else can

These are just a few of the things that come to mind when I think of the women I’m fortunate enough to count on my left hand. In a recent Huffington Post article, Lena Dunham’s character in “Girls,” Hannah Horvath wrote, “A friendship between college girls is grander and more dramatic than any romance.” The article further stated, “We’d argue that this sentiment holds far beyond the confines of university. The women in your life are there for all the serious stuff, like health scares and accompanying you to the funerals of loved ones, as well as the moments that make you laugh until you can’t breathe. You can tell them the deepest secrets about yourself and your family, and count on them to pick up the phone at any hour.” To read more, check out http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/06/10-reasons-nothing-like-female-best-friends_n_3874647.html and see how their list compares to mine. So here’s a special shout out to my friends! (And you know who you are). May we continue to be there for each other through life’s triumphs and tragedies. You might want to give a shout out to yours, too. Word to the wise: Know who your friends are and keep them close. It’s not easy making friends and as we get older, it can be even harder. Cherish the ones you have and foster and grow those friendships that you think have potential. What’s special about your BFFs? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”