Tag Archives: boyfriends

49. Calling is for men, texting is for teenagers.

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What a stinger from Patti Stanger, a.k.a., “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” If you’ve ever 5d6a3bc5fcddfdebff9891850f78d127_width_640xwatched her show, you could say she’s kind of “old school” when it comes to dating. And mostly, so am I. Because I think in some ways, with women’s liberation, my generation and those that followed me got the short end of the stick. Men think we don’t need them anymore or that they don’t need to pursue us, because many of us will do their job for them. This is especially true in the case of young women. When social media is the norm and everyone is available every minute of every day via text, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapfish, etc., our communications with men become less special and I think we do, too. There was a time when we only had phones, you know the ones that had dials on them? Back then, it was generally easier to discern a man’s level of interest after a date. If you didn’t hear from him for a few days, or let’s say a week, you were fairly sure you wouldn’t hear from him again and said to yourself, “Next!” Today, the lines are so blurred. Even if someone isn’t that interested after a date, you might not know it. Texting breeds a kind of familiarity that if you don’t know someone, shouldn’t be there until you do. And it goes further than that. I’ve seen the most inappropriate texts between husbands and wives arguing over the most major issues in their marriage! It’s a great escape, isn’t it? You don’t have to cancel a date with someone by calling them, you don’t have to get to know someone by spending time with them and you certainly don’t have to be that interested to keep stringing someone along. And most important, you don’t have to talk to anyone!

Here are some more wise thoughts from a fellow blogger on dating in the digital age:

“While it seems more comfortable and convenient to communicate with friends via electronic messaging, it is actually a less effective way to establish a meaningful relationship. Conversations are shortchanged when you rely on texting, because you miss the emotional complexity that takes place in a face to face interaction.” You can read more of her thoughts at http://onceuponastruggle.com/2015/01/26/the-relationship-failure-of-the-digital-age/

Word to the wise: Real men may not eat quiche, but if they like you, they will call. Never forget that your voice is something truly special. And the guy you’re dating should want to hear it.

What do you think about dating in the digital age? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

45. When you gain something, you lose something. When you lose something, you gain something.

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Thanks to ScarJo for this profound bit of wisdom. No wonder she’s one of Barbara Walter’s “10 Most HiResFascinating People of 2014.” Although, I think she was quoting someone else. Needless to say, when I heard it, it hit me hard. I started to think about all the times of loss and gain in my life, including some of the hardest losses in my 20s (like the death of my best friend). But for all I lost, and gained, the balance of life usually seemed to equal everything out. Take this year for example. I lost my job at the end of July. Clearly, losses on that front included steady income, stability, health insurance, paid vacation and retirement benefits. Wow. That’s quite a few hits. But what have I gained? Well, let’s see. There’d be more freedom, time to re-evaluate what I want to be when I grow up (even though I already am), meeting new people and getting out in the world, fear of the unknown (which might not be the worst thing for a planner like me) and knowing who I can, and can’t count on. Another thing that comes to mind is all the times I’ve been in crappy relationships and finally decided to call it quits. Although I cried a lot and missed people who weren’t really all that great, I gained my self-respect, dignity and the knowledge that I deserved better. Loss does seem to be an easier thing to reflect on. Weighing the pros and cons of gain is harder. Who doesn’t feel good when they gain something? So I thought back and remembered how happy I was when I bought my first condo on my own. Woo hoo! That was clearly a big gain, by any standards. But with becoming a homeowner, I was now tied to a mortgage, making and paying for all my own repairs and coughing up property taxes twice a year. However, I am a homeowner and I love it. As this year comes to a close, let me give it up to ScarJo for helping me to think profoundly and deeply about where I am today and how I got here. I hope her borrowed words of wisdom help you as well.

Word to the wise: Now is a great time to reflect on what you’ve lost and gained in 2014 and throughout your life. Yes, it’s the holidays and boy, talk about a time filled with both ends of the spectrum. All the better to analyze and be wise.

What have you lost or gained and which do you think is easier and why? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

44. Make sure you know what your red flags are and when someone you meet is waving them.

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So, I was on a date last night and there was some interesting conversation. Somehow, the topic of “red flags” came up. I don’t redflagthink that when I was in my 20s that I was looking out for those as much as I should have. Or if I noticed any, I completely ignored them because by the time I did notice them, it was too late. I was already in ADD – another dating disaster. I got to thinking about what my red flags are today as now I’m now more aware of them because my friends will constantly point out, “Red flag!” when I mention the behaviors of some of the people I’ve dated/been dating. My date and I did a little brainstorming last night and here are the red flags he hopes he doesn’t find with someone he just starts to date (there are just five – but I thought they were all pretty good so I’ll share them):

  1. Smoking
  2. Past addictions
  3. Issues with exes
  4. Unemployed
  5. Mentally unbalanced

This got me to thinking about my list. What are the red flags that make me want to run (besides 1-5 above)? So here are a few more that I’d like to throw in:

  1. Does not live in their own place
  2. Late
  3. Cheap
  4. Current addictions
  5. Poor/nonexistent relationships with family and friends

I’m sure there’s a few more on your list (and mine). But this is a good start for some basics. It can be difficult to ignore the red flags when you meet someone you’re really into. But as I’ve learned, if they’re there to begin with, they’ll be there when you end it. And it’s a lot more painful at that point than just going out on a few dates.

Here’s a more detailed list of red flags from Psychology Today, aptly titled: “Thirteen Dating Red Flags for Women:”http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/millennial-media/201312/13-dating-red-flags-women

Word to the wise: Dating is hard. But being in a bad relationship – even harder. Take some time to think about what your red flags are and know how to recognize them when you see them.

What are some of your red flags and how has knowing them helped you to become more successful in your dating life? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

38. When you let your guard down, be prepared that someone is going to stomp through your gates.

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In my teens and 20s, I was a notorious guard let-downer. At work, in love, and with every new person I met. I was dreamstime_s_28505506often told that I wore my heart on my sleeve. While being open to all experiences was at many times enriching and joyful, it was also hurtful and disappointing when someone stomped on my heart or betrayed my trust. When you’re young, it could be argued that this is a right of passage. And eventually, you’ll learn to keep your guard up more. Or maybe always, depending on how many times you’ve been through the ringer by the time you hit 30. Some people have developed strategies Sun Tzu would commend to protect themselves. Although even he might argue that the walls we make to keep other people out often wind up keeping us locked inside. But the thing is, as I much as try not to, try so hard not to be that girl who lets her guard down, I still do. Because when it gets right down to it, would I rather be the person with the fortress around my heart or the one who lets her guard down from time to time to discover new friendships, deeper intimacy, the possibility of true of love and, of course, a world of hurt. Yin and yang, as it were. I will say that if you’ve just been stomped on, it does help to keep plenty of Haagen-Dazs in the house. But going for a walk or reading a book can work just as well. So can a conversation with a good friend – even though you know they’ll tell you that that’s what you get for wearing your heart on your sleeve.

Word to the wise: It’s good to stand watch, but sometimes you have to listen to your heart. While it may not always be right, at least you know you have one.

What do you think about letting your guard down? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

 

31. Life is long.

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Even though we’re always being told the exact opposite. Not to mention, I’ve had a few very close friends die young. So you ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????could also argue against me on that score if you’ve lost someone way before they were supposed to go. But let me explain why life, generally is long. And just so I don’t hog all the credit, it was my always late, cheap ex-boyfriend who laid that philosophy on me and it really resonated then and continues to do so now. We were having one of our many “discussions” about how the fact that he was always two hours late annoyed me, was disrespectful, etc. (he was probably out on another date before he came over, but I digress). I remember he paused, looked at me and said, “Eva, life is long.” Basically he was saying it was too long to deal with my s—t. At that moment, I realized it was also too long to deal with his. I knew that unless a truck hit either of us the next day, if I didn’t end it, we could have gone on like that for years. Because he was getting exactly what he wanted: me at his convenience; and I was nowhere near to getting what I wanted: commitment. This is just one of many examples where if you look at the road ahead as short, you may be short-sighting yourself. You have to think long-term. And I know that’s really hard to do when you’re in your 20s. Hell, it’s hard to do at any age.

Word to the wise: Life is only short when it’s good. My grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 94, may God bless him. You might get to be that old, too. Imagine your life one year from now. Five years from now. Ten years from now. How about 50? Make sure you’re living the life you want to.

Can you think of any situations that are making your life longer? Please share. Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

Guest blog: Letting go

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I’m pleased and excited to present a guest blog today, “Letting go” by the writer and creator of The Reporter and The Girl
MINUS The Superman series. This raw, captivating blog documents the trials and tribulations of her 14-month relationship with a reporter. Our guest’s blog, http://thereporterandthegirl.com/tag/the-reporter-and-the-girl/ also has the distinction of being the web’s 29th Most Popular Relationship blog.

I reached out to her to write about letting go and how hard it can be. Here’s her words of wisdom on this difficult subject:

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Shrimp, chives, and mayonnaise.

That what’s in this salad I bought at my local deli nearly 3 weeks agoHHHhhhmmmm….and it looked good as the man scooped up some and weighed it out for me in a container to take home.  But I never got a chance to taste it. I came down with a flu/cold/plague that left me feverish in bed drinking tea and soup for a week.

And the container sat there, until I finally convinced myself to toss it into the trash today.

I had been trying to talk myself out of taking a little bite, just to please my curiosity.

Are you still holding on to the trash in your life?

It may be a little controversial to think of that ex as “trash,” but when something or someone is stinking up your life and making you miserable—you gotta take it out.

Letting go is the hardest but yet will give you the most relief so you can clear space in your heart, mind and if need be –your fridge for fresh new life.

It’s also a process too; unlike tossing a container into the bag in one step.  This may require deleting old messages, defriend or unfollowing on social media sites, and maybe avoiding certain gathering places.

Now, I’ll admit that I’m no expert on relationships or post-break up protocols, I can only give what I have learned from my break up experience and over a period of many weeks, I began to let go of the pieces one by one.

Know that it’s normal to want to cling on to some memory or reminder of our loved ones, but more importantly, know that you’ll be ok without them.  The truth is s/he is probably doing ok without you too.

If you have friends and family around, hang out with them more often so you won’t feel so lonely, and if you are alone, then do something that puts yourself first – like a favorite activity you had no time for in the past or even treating yourself  to something you’ve always wanted to do!

And in the case where you really can’t stop thinking about the past, do something creative with it. I started writing as way to express my feelings to Jon*.  Perhaps you can write a letter to your ex or song or a poem or any other creative outlet. Sometimes exerting our emotions into something tangible can give us relief.

But letting go of that dead weight – bad feelings, anger and resentment, etc…is the best thing that you can do for YOU.  You gain control again of yourself and prove that no one can stink up your life.

TheGirl,

Writer and Creator of TheReporterandTheGirlMINUSTheSuperman series

www.TheReporterandTheGirl.com

www.Twitter.com/ReporterandGirl

www.Facebook.com/TheReporterandTheGirl

28. A man who is cheap with his wallet will also be cheap with his heart.

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Unfortunately, I’ve dated a lot of cheap men in my life. I’m certainly not proud of this fact and it I think a lot of it has to do with???????????????????????????????????????? self worth. I also think the lines for young women are blurred even more today than they were when I was in my 20s. But that still doesn’t mean you should date a man who splits everything 50/50 or won’t take you out and pay. As one of my eloquent cheap ex-boyfriends tried to argue, I was an “independent woman” and that I should pay when we go out, even though he seemed to conveniently forget that I cooked dinner for him every week and he never once brought over a bottle of wine. I got over him (finally) after we went on a ski weekend together and after we had split everything down the middle, he had the nerve to ask me for gas money. It was the last straw. But here’s what I also have found about men like these: when they aren’t generous with their money, they won’t open their hearts either. It’s weird how this behavior seems to go hand in hand. My dad, a very wise man, says, “character counts.” The way a man treats his money and how he spends it on you (or doesn’t) is a key insight into his character. I know a lot of young men will make the same argument as my ex-boyfriend (who was in his 40s, by the way) but don’t fall for it. Cheap is as cheap does. And trust me, it still isn’t easy for me to let a guy pay. Those moments while the check sits on the table cause me major anxiety and I feel like I have to do something like offer to “help” or pay the tip. I’ve done both of those things. But I’ve found when I didn’t do either, I felt much better. If the guy really cares about you, he will, too. So I’ve finally sworn off of cheap men because it’s not worth going out with a guy knowing you can treat yourself better than he can.

Word to the wise: Cheap men are a dime a dozen and it pays to find the ones who aren’t. If you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, this is the right place to start. And here’s a few more thoughts on this topic:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_100/103_dating_girl.html

Do you agree with the correlation of man’s heart to his wallet? Ever dated a cheap guy? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”