Tag Archives: Sex

Guest blog: Letting go

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I’m pleased and excited to present a guest blog today, “Letting go” by the writer and creator of The Reporter and The Girl
MINUS The Superman series. This raw, captivating blog documents the trials and tribulations of her 14-month relationship with a reporter. Our guest’s blog, http://thereporterandthegirl.com/tag/the-reporter-and-the-girl/ also has the distinction of being the web’s 29th Most Popular Relationship blog.

I reached out to her to write about letting go and how hard it can be. Here’s her words of wisdom on this difficult subject:

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Shrimp, chives, and mayonnaise.

That what’s in this salad I bought at my local deli nearly 3 weeks agoHHHhhhmmmm….and it looked good as the man scooped up some and weighed it out for me in a container to take home.  But I never got a chance to taste it. I came down with a flu/cold/plague that left me feverish in bed drinking tea and soup for a week.

And the container sat there, until I finally convinced myself to toss it into the trash today.

I had been trying to talk myself out of taking a little bite, just to please my curiosity.

Are you still holding on to the trash in your life?

It may be a little controversial to think of that ex as “trash,” but when something or someone is stinking up your life and making you miserable—you gotta take it out.

Letting go is the hardest but yet will give you the most relief so you can clear space in your heart, mind and if need be –your fridge for fresh new life.

It’s also a process too; unlike tossing a container into the bag in one step.  This may require deleting old messages, defriend or unfollowing on social media sites, and maybe avoiding certain gathering places.

Now, I’ll admit that I’m no expert on relationships or post-break up protocols, I can only give what I have learned from my break up experience and over a period of many weeks, I began to let go of the pieces one by one.

Know that it’s normal to want to cling on to some memory or reminder of our loved ones, but more importantly, know that you’ll be ok without them.  The truth is s/he is probably doing ok without you too.

If you have friends and family around, hang out with them more often so you won’t feel so lonely, and if you are alone, then do something that puts yourself first – like a favorite activity you had no time for in the past or even treating yourself  to something you’ve always wanted to do!

And in the case where you really can’t stop thinking about the past, do something creative with it. I started writing as way to express my feelings to Jon*.  Perhaps you can write a letter to your ex or song or a poem or any other creative outlet. Sometimes exerting our emotions into something tangible can give us relief.

But letting go of that dead weight – bad feelings, anger and resentment, etc…is the best thing that you can do for YOU.  You gain control again of yourself and prove that no one can stink up your life.

TheGirl,

Writer and Creator of TheReporterandTheGirlMINUSTheSuperman series

www.TheReporterandTheGirl.com

www.Twitter.com/ReporterandGirl

www.Facebook.com/TheReporterandTheGirl

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25. Abortion is not a form of birth control.

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Contrary to Romeo Void’s lament, a girl in trouble is not a temporary thing. No matter what the outcome, if you’re that girl, it’s ???????????????????????????????????????with you for life. While I have may have done many unwise things in my teens and 20s, getting pregnant wasn’t one of them. And even though I haven’t experienced an abortion firsthand, I speak from the experience of my friends. A few of who have had more than one abortion by the time they were 25. Case in point: A dear friend of mine got pregnant in her late 30s and wasn’t sure she wanted to keep the baby. Because she’d already had three abortions, she knew if she had another one, she might never be able to have children at all. So she kept it. All I knew was I couldn’t face myself if I had to have an abortion. So I did whatever I could to avoid a situation that would be unbearable for me. And bottom line, there was absolutely no way I was ready to have a baby. But in the heat of the moment, all of this is quickly forgotten. That’s why I’m on the pill and have been for years. Of course, if you’re really smart, you won’t tell guys that. Because unless he’s your boyfriend and you know for a fact he’s not cheating on you, it pays to be safe. As in make him wear a condom anyway. It protects you from other things, too. And when you’re on the pill, you’ll never have to worry if it has hole.

Word to the wise: There are plenty of ways to protect yourself and you’re the one who has to do it. Unless, of course, you don’t mind having an abortion or two. Or giving your baby up for adoption (see “Juno”). Or keeping it even though you’re not ready. None of these are attractive options and much harder than choosing a method of birth control and using it. And if you’re still not convinced, just watch an episode of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant.”

What are your thoughts on this touchy topic? Any personal experiences or experiences of friends you’d like to share? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

Having sex with fewer people is much more fulfilling.

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Boy, I sure wish I’d learned this one before I turned 25. Not that I could be compared to Gene Simmons, but I certainly was no ????????????????????????????????????????angel. And while some of it may have been fun, most of the time, I felt empty and unfulfilled. Inside, I always wished that each one would be the one. And as the years passed, all of these encounters didn’t bring me any closer to what I really wanted – a loving relationship with my soul mate. I recently watched an indie film called “Tiny Furniture,” which was the precursor to the HBO series, “Girls.” Honestly, it made me melancholy and quite sad. I thought young women had come so far and weren’t doing the stupid stuff that I did. Or at least not as much of it. All this talk of “Girl Power” allowed me to believe that we were above degrading ourselves for some loser guy. That said, if you still want to have “fun” and think you can handle it – all I can say is be safe. But also, be honest with yourself about what it is you really want.

Here are a few good questions to ask yourself about your friends with benefits relationship or other casual encounters: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/donna-davidge/casual-sex-good-idea-you

Word to the wise: A good lay is just a good lay. It won’t keep you warm at night, especially after the door closes and someone says they’ll call and they never do.

What do you think about casual sex? Do you think these experiences hurt or help young women? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Should Know.”

20. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know everything about you.

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Many have told me that my life is an open book. As clearly, writing this blog would indicate. And I’ve also been told that I wear my???????????????????????????????????????? heart on my sleeve. These are not terrific qualities for attracting and getting a guy – or keeping him. There was an expression I heard once, and I apologize in advance for the language – but it goes like this: “Only show a man half your ass.” This is an incredibly wise saying. Why? Because honestly, men really don’t want or need to know everything, and I mean everything, about you. You should always have some things you keep to yourself. Not only does this help you maintain your independence, it also makes your guy wonder from time to time what you’re up to. Or what you’ve been up to. Nothing wrong with that. This concept, unfortunately, is even harder for most of us to do today because of Facebook, Twitter and what I call the social networking palooza. Everyone seems to be sharing way too much. But that doesn’t mean you have to, too.

Word to the wise: Let him spill his secrets. When you share less about yourself, the more he’ll share with you. And that’s a secret all wise women know. Here’s some more interesting thoughts on this mysterious subject: http://ezinearticles.com/?Mystery-Solved—How-to-Be-Mysterious-and-Keep-Him-Wanting-More&id=3031693

How do you feel about keeping a bit of mystery in your relationship? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Should Know.”

15. If your married boss asks you to take pictures of him naked, don’t.

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Yes, that really happened to me and boy, was it surreal. Needless to say, I didn’t take him up on his offer and things at the office hwere more than a little awkward after that. Oh and whatever you do, don’t go out with married guys, especially if they’re your boss. Just don’t go out with married guys in general. No matter how often they ask. Even if they offer to take you away for the weekend to some really cool place you can’t afford because you’re trying to pay off your credit card debt (see post #6, “Lots of credit card debt is no way to go through your 20s”). Not my finest moment, but I did go away to Mexico for a weekend with another boss who was married and beyond persistent. The affair didn’t last long and I lost my job because of it. What can I say? I was only 27 and the guy wined and dined me and told me I was the most wonderful thing in the world. But it didn’t change the fact that he was married and had three kids. Had the affair continued, I would have been alone at Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve, not to mention Valentine’s Day, while he was spending time with his wife and family. I’m so glad that I never had to go through any of that. I never looked at a married man again, even if he looked at me.

Word to the wise: Don’t date married men. You have everything to lose – including precious time – while they have everything to gain. And if you were his wife, how would you feel? If you believe in karma, and I sure do, keep yours good. Check out what this guy has to say on the subject:

http://www.guyspeak.com/answers/is-it-ever-right-to-have-an-affair-with-a-married-man/

Ever dated someone who’s married? How did it turn out? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Should Know.”

14. A dirty car says more about you than you think it does.

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You know, I was a real car slob – and not just in my teens and 20s. I honestly don’t know how I ever got past a first date, hespecially if I was driving (hint – one way to avoid this altogether is to make the guy drive). One of my favorite cars, I remember it fondly, was a black Nissan Sentra. It lit up like an airplane cockpit at night. And I had so much stuff in it that you could barely get in the front seat – let alone put your feet anywhere. Between my CD collection (of course the cases were everywhere but I could never find the CD that went with each case), water bottles, junk mail, dry cleaning and used condoms (kidding), the state of my car became a joke among my family and friends. Although it would appear I was the only one who didn’t get it. Honestly, it was embarrassing. And, it sort of made me feel bad about myself, which, when I was in my 20s, I had more than enough to feel bad about already.

Word to the wise: Today, I’m a neat car freak. And the best part of all, I’m never embarrassed to drive. Or meet someone for a date and have him walk me to my car. Of course, what happens after that is anyone’s guess.

Are you a car star or slob? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Should Know.”

6. If the guy you’re dating says he “needs space,” he probably needs room to date someone else.

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If I had a nickel for every guy who said that to me, I’d have more money than Bill Gates. Well, almost. And apparently, Taylor Swift just had a similar experience. You should take heart in her song, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” where she sings, “We hadn’t seen each other in a month, when you said you needed space. (What?).” Sound familiar? It sure does to me. If some douche bag told you he needs space, you should really make that song your anthem. And whatever you do, don’t take it personally. Clearly, Taylor Swift didn’t. She just got that sucker back in a song. The lowdown is if some schmuck says this to you, he just wants to keep you dangling while he explores his options. Like the cute blond he met at the club last night. The last time a guy told me he needed space, I was dumb enough to ask, “How much?” Please don’t ever demean yourself this way. If he needs space, give him all the room he needs. Maybe even suggest he move to Montana.

Word to the wise: This is always a no-win situation – for you. If you allow this type of behavior, he will gladly take you for granted and continue dating other women and eventually, break up with you. That may not be what you want to hear, but when you think about all of your friends who are in good relationships or are married, have they ever told you that their guy needed space? If the answer to that is yes, I doubt they have the kind of relationship you want anyway.

What do you think? Note: Your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Should Know.”