Tag Archives: young women

Guest blog: Letting go

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I’m pleased and excited to present a guest blog today, “Letting go” by the writer and creator of The Reporter and The Girl
MINUS The Superman series. This raw, captivating blog documents the trials and tribulations of her 14-month relationship with a reporter. Our guest’s blog, http://thereporterandthegirl.com/tag/the-reporter-and-the-girl/ also has the distinction of being the web’s 29th Most Popular Relationship blog.

I reached out to her to write about letting go and how hard it can be. Here’s her words of wisdom on this difficult subject:

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Shrimp, chives, and mayonnaise.

That what’s in this salad I bought at my local deli nearly 3 weeks agoHHHhhhmmmm….and it looked good as the man scooped up some and weighed it out for me in a container to take home.  But I never got a chance to taste it. I came down with a flu/cold/plague that left me feverish in bed drinking tea and soup for a week.

And the container sat there, until I finally convinced myself to toss it into the trash today.

I had been trying to talk myself out of taking a little bite, just to please my curiosity.

Are you still holding on to the trash in your life?

It may be a little controversial to think of that ex as “trash,” but when something or someone is stinking up your life and making you miserable—you gotta take it out.

Letting go is the hardest but yet will give you the most relief so you can clear space in your heart, mind and if need be –your fridge for fresh new life.

It’s also a process too; unlike tossing a container into the bag in one step.  This may require deleting old messages, defriend or unfollowing on social media sites, and maybe avoiding certain gathering places.

Now, I’ll admit that I’m no expert on relationships or post-break up protocols, I can only give what I have learned from my break up experience and over a period of many weeks, I began to let go of the pieces one by one.

Know that it’s normal to want to cling on to some memory or reminder of our loved ones, but more importantly, know that you’ll be ok without them.  The truth is s/he is probably doing ok without you too.

If you have friends and family around, hang out with them more often so you won’t feel so lonely, and if you are alone, then do something that puts yourself first – like a favorite activity you had no time for in the past or even treating yourself  to something you’ve always wanted to do!

And in the case where you really can’t stop thinking about the past, do something creative with it. I started writing as way to express my feelings to Jon*.  Perhaps you can write a letter to your ex or song or a poem or any other creative outlet. Sometimes exerting our emotions into something tangible can give us relief.

But letting go of that dead weight – bad feelings, anger and resentment, etc…is the best thing that you can do for YOU.  You gain control again of yourself and prove that no one can stink up your life.

TheGirl,

Writer and Creator of TheReporterandTheGirlMINUSTheSuperman series

www.TheReporterandTheGirl.com

www.Twitter.com/ReporterandGirl

www.Facebook.com/TheReporterandTheGirl

30. Learn how to smile sweetly and say, “No thanks.”

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I have a friend who I deem to be the master of this skill. I remember this guy at the office was going around asking everyone for ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????money to buy raffle tickets for his church. Now mind you, in that office, it seemed like we were giving money every day for some worthy cause – starving children, breast cancer, world peace, you get the idea. Well this guy comes around to me and of course, even though he annoys the crap out of me on a personal level, I give him the money. I asked my friend if she contributed to his cause as well, and she said she didn’t. And I was like wow, how did you get out of that one? That was when she imparted a lesson on me that I still need to learn: When someone asks you to do something that you don’t want to, smile sweetly and say, “No thanks.” A few years have passed and I’ve mostly lived by this rule, until recently. Another friend of mine and I were meeting for happy hour and she sent me a text asking if it was okay to invite this guy she met at another happy hour because it could be a “good networking opportunity.” And I’m thinking, for whom? Because she had already told me about this guy, and said he looked like Danny Devito, but was kind of “sweet.” Needless to say, I did not want him to join us. But did I text back sweetly, “No thanks,” as a wise woman would do? And believe me, in this case, I really should have. Because when I got to the bar, I see her sitting with this guy and he looks like he’s about 80. My friend said he would just “stop by” but ended up staying the whole time, regaling us with his stories about how successful he is and how he represented himself in court five times and won. Of course, I asked him what he was charged with and he became very evasive and said, “White collar stuff.” The best part, he starts to hit on my friend who is probably 40 years his junior. “You have such beautiful skin,” he says to her. I excused myself to the restroom at this point in protest and disgust. Later, she tells me he asked her out. The real clincher: when the bill came, Mr. Successful insisted we split it three ways. It just goes to show even old guys can be douche bags.

Word to the wise: A little no thanks goes a long way. When you think about it, it’s really hard to argue or get offended by someone who says this to you. It softens the blow and saves you from looking like the bad guy.

When is it hard for you to say no? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

29. Take a cooking class.

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Well, maybe not quite like the one I’m in now. No disrespect intended, but all the students look like they came from the island of ????????????????????????????????????????misfit toys. Maybe that’s because the class isn’t offered by Williams Sonoma or Sir Le Table. It’s at our local community center, being taught by Maria, a dead ringer for the Long Island Medium. So far, we’ve learned how to make tomato sauce and garlic bread, which consisted of garlic powder, Italian herbs and olive oil. Emeril Lagasse would be rolling over in his grave if he were dead. But here’s the thing – it was actually surprisingly good. And easy. In spite of the fact that one of the misfit toys, this guy who should be in an independent film, kept staring, and I mean staring at me. At the end of class, my friend bolted out the door and started laughing hysterically, “Did you see that guy staring at you?” And then we both just couldn’t stop laughing about the class in general. But we had fun. So we’re going back next week to see what Maria will do with meatballs. What I also discovered is that no matter what your skill level, or who’s teaching, you will learn something new. Even if you’re like me and have watched hundreds of hours of Food Network and think you know almost everything. And if you’re surrounded by misfits, all the better.

Maria’s garlic bread recipe:

1 loaf Italian bread

¼ cup olive oil

2 Tablespoons garlic powder

2 Tablespoons Italian seasoning

Cut bread lengthwise and brush with olive oil. Sprinkle garlic powder and Italian seasonings. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes (or you can broil it).

Serve hot with meals or cut into cubes and use as croutons on a salad.

Word to the wise: If you like food, learn how to cook it. And you don’t have to go to some fancy schmancy school and pay big bucks. That said, I think next time, I’ll give Williams Sonoma a try.

Have you ever taken a cooking class? Would you do it again? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

28. A man who is cheap with his wallet will also be cheap with his heart.

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Unfortunately, I’ve dated a lot of cheap men in my life. I’m certainly not proud of this fact and it I think a lot of it has to do with???????????????????????????????????????? self worth. I also think the lines for young women are blurred even more today than they were when I was in my 20s. But that still doesn’t mean you should date a man who splits everything 50/50 or won’t take you out and pay. As one of my eloquent cheap ex-boyfriends tried to argue, I was an “independent woman” and that I should pay when we go out, even though he seemed to conveniently forget that I cooked dinner for him every week and he never once brought over a bottle of wine. I got over him (finally) after we went on a ski weekend together and after we had split everything down the middle, he had the nerve to ask me for gas money. It was the last straw. But here’s what I also have found about men like these: when they aren’t generous with their money, they won’t open their hearts either. It’s weird how this behavior seems to go hand in hand. My dad, a very wise man, says, “character counts.” The way a man treats his money and how he spends it on you (or doesn’t) is a key insight into his character. I know a lot of young men will make the same argument as my ex-boyfriend (who was in his 40s, by the way) but don’t fall for it. Cheap is as cheap does. And trust me, it still isn’t easy for me to let a guy pay. Those moments while the check sits on the table cause me major anxiety and I feel like I have to do something like offer to “help” or pay the tip. I’ve done both of those things. But I’ve found when I didn’t do either, I felt much better. If the guy really cares about you, he will, too. So I’ve finally sworn off of cheap men because it’s not worth going out with a guy knowing you can treat yourself better than he can.

Word to the wise: Cheap men are a dime a dozen and it pays to find the ones who aren’t. If you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, this is the right place to start. And here’s a few more thoughts on this topic:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_100/103_dating_girl.html

Do you agree with the correlation of man’s heart to his wallet? Ever dated a cheap guy? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in the upcoming book, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

27. Be on time.

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For me, this one has always been easy. Because I hate to keep people waiting. Especially people I care about. Which is why I ???????????????????????????????????????can’t relate to or understand lateness. When I’m on time, it shows my family and friends that I value theirs. I remember I had this boyfriend who was always late and it drove me crazy. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one. He told me he had a friend who whenever they made plans to get together would ask, “Is that Steve time, or Pacific time?” I thought this was pretty funny. But not for long. And don’t even get me started on the boyfriend (a different Steve) who kept me waiting 45 minutes at a restaurant because he was watching “Jeopardy.” Actually, I can’t believe I stuck around. But I was in my 20s and those were the days, as Lena Dunham of “Girls,” says where we have complete self-confidence and no self-worth. I definitely suffered from that affliction, which is no doubt why my dating life was one disaster after another. What I will say to all you late folks out there who may never change their ways no matter how much it annoys, irritates and feels disrespectful to their friends, boyfriends, children, husbands, etc.: If you’re going to be consistently late, at least apologize. That can make all the difference in the world. I’ve found that most people who are late, don’t do this and it kind of blows my mind. I feel far more forgiving toward those who do. Maybe you’ve seen the license plate frame, “Always late, but worth the wait.” Are you?

Word to the wise: If you’re always late, not everyone will wait. If you care enough, or someone makes you care enough, you’ll change. And if you’re always on time like me, it helps to bring a book.

Are you an early or late bird? Ever have anyone not wait for you and how did you feel about it? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

26. Learn how to make a killer cocktail and always have the ingredients on hand.

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Admittedly, I still haven’t mastered this one. I don’t even own a shaker. A friend of mine uses plastic wrap and a bowl to mix???????????????????????????????????????? her martinis. I think a cocktail shaker is like $5 at IKEA. I really should go get one of those. Because then I’d be well on my way to making my killer cocktail. Which would probably be a dirty martini or Cosmo. Actually, I already have vodka. Now if I just had some vermouth, cranberry juice and lots of jumbo green olives, we could really get this party started. I guess my point is, beer and wine are fine, but some occasions call for something special. Like the first time he picks you up at your place. Having a signature libation can showcase your creativity and sophistication. Not to mention that it makes you kind of cool. Do you know what your killer cocktail would be?

Word to the wise: Bring some retro into your life. Take a cue from the TV show “Mad Men” and spruce up your cocktail repertoire. Once you’ve picked your potion, test it on yourself. Even if it’s on a night where it’s just you, your jammies and Netflix, you’ll feel fabulous.

Here’s a recipe I’d like to try: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/sour-apple-martini-10000000434061/

Know how to make one great drink? What’s your recipe? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

 

25. Abortion is not a form of birth control.

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Contrary to Romeo Void’s lament, a girl in trouble is not a temporary thing. No matter what the outcome, if you’re that girl, it’s ???????????????????????????????????????with you for life. While I have may have done many unwise things in my teens and 20s, getting pregnant wasn’t one of them. And even though I haven’t experienced an abortion firsthand, I speak from the experience of my friends. A few of who have had more than one abortion by the time they were 25. Case in point: A dear friend of mine got pregnant in her late 30s and wasn’t sure she wanted to keep the baby. Because she’d already had three abortions, she knew if she had another one, she might never be able to have children at all. So she kept it. All I knew was I couldn’t face myself if I had to have an abortion. So I did whatever I could to avoid a situation that would be unbearable for me. And bottom line, there was absolutely no way I was ready to have a baby. But in the heat of the moment, all of this is quickly forgotten. That’s why I’m on the pill and have been for years. Of course, if you’re really smart, you won’t tell guys that. Because unless he’s your boyfriend and you know for a fact he’s not cheating on you, it pays to be safe. As in make him wear a condom anyway. It protects you from other things, too. And when you’re on the pill, you’ll never have to worry if it has hole.

Word to the wise: There are plenty of ways to protect yourself and you’re the one who has to do it. Unless, of course, you don’t mind having an abortion or two. Or giving your baby up for adoption (see “Juno”). Or keeping it even though you’re not ready. None of these are attractive options and much harder than choosing a method of birth control and using it. And if you’re still not convinced, just watch an episode of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant.”

What are your thoughts on this touchy topic? Any personal experiences or experiences of friends you’d like to share? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

24. Doing laundry on a regular basis relieves stress.

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Unless of course, it’s your new Pottery Barn duvet cover, which doesn’t appear to have any washing instructions. As long as I???????????????????????????????????????? can remember, I’ve hated doing laundry. Especially when I lived in apartments where you had to go downstairs with your over-stuffed basket (socks and underwear falling off the top) and then walk what felt like a mile to the laundry room. As if that weren’t bad enough, it always seemed to be raining on those rare occasions when I did decide to make that trek. Oh, and lest we forget about all those lovely people who take your wet stuff out of the washer because you happened to get there two minutes after the machine completed its cycle. So back then, I had an excuse. Although I wonder if I had attempted to do laundry more often if it would have been less stressful. Like one load a week instead of 10 loads in one day. I think while less efficient, given the amount of effort it took to get to and from the laundry room; it would have been worth it. When I did finally get an apartment that had a washer and dryer hook-up, guess what? I still did 10 loads in one day. And it was such a chore. I finally realized that doing one load a week is much more manageable. And now, I have clean underwear all the time (mostly).

Word to the wise: Always having clean clothes (not to mention clean underwear) feels nice. And looking at a half-full laundry basket instead of one that’s brimming over the top won’t make you feel half empty.

So is doing laundry just about doing laundry? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

21. Pets are a huge responsibility and they deserve to be treated well.

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Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m an animal lover. And they might even tell you about my cat, Mr. Chew-Cha. ???????????????????????????????????????Because he’s a big part of my life. What I can tell you is that I really wasn’t ready for the responsibility. But my mom decided I was, so right about when I turned 38, she dropped Mr. Chew-Cha on my doorstep (whose shelter name was “Hobo” by the way). Immediately, I tried to get rid of him. Because I liked to travel, be footloose and fancy-free and I was single and had no ties. After putting up flyers with the clever headline “Hobo Needs a Home” and emailing all my friends, it was clear that Hobo and I were stuck with each other and that he needed a new name. But at no small price. I love him more than life itself but I do miss my freedom. You see, I’m the kind of person who knows that he misses me when I’m not there. And that he’s always home waiting for me. And most important, that he depends on me for everything. I don’t think I got that as much when I was in my 20s. Fortunately, I really didn’t have pets back then and my roommates never really wanted any. So some poor animal didn’t suffer because of our late hours and lack of responsibility.

Word to the wise: Think long and hard before getting a pet. Do you really have the time or desire to give them the love and attention they deserve? You need to be fair to yourself and fair to them. Pets can bring great joy into your life, but you need to be at a place in your life where you can bring them great joy, too. Here are some thoughts for college students considering getting a pet: https://vet.osu.edu/education/responsibilities-pet-ownership, which unless you’re a complete hermit, I wouldn’t recommend.

Do you have a pet? Ever seen some of your friends who have them and wonder why they do? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously in, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know.”

20. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know everything about you.

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Many have told me that my life is an open book. As clearly, writing this blog would indicate. And I’ve also been told that I wear my???????????????????????????????????????? heart on my sleeve. These are not terrific qualities for attracting and getting a guy – or keeping him. There was an expression I heard once, and I apologize in advance for the language – but it goes like this: “Only show a man half your ass.” This is an incredibly wise saying. Why? Because honestly, men really don’t want or need to know everything, and I mean everything, about you. You should always have some things you keep to yourself. Not only does this help you maintain your independence, it also makes your guy wonder from time to time what you’re up to. Or what you’ve been up to. Nothing wrong with that. This concept, unfortunately, is even harder for most of us to do today because of Facebook, Twitter and what I call the social networking palooza. Everyone seems to be sharing way too much. But that doesn’t mean you have to, too.

Word to the wise: Let him spill his secrets. When you share less about yourself, the more he’ll share with you. And that’s a secret all wise women know. Here’s some more interesting thoughts on this mysterious subject: http://ezinearticles.com/?Mystery-Solved—How-to-Be-Mysterious-and-Keep-Him-Wanting-More&id=3031693

How do you feel about keeping a bit of mystery in your relationship? Note: If I’m lucky enough to get a book deal, your comments may be published anonymously, “Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Should Know.”